I stopped seeing the beauty

So if you know me, you know how obsessed I’ve been with my kids over the years.

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You’ve seen the thousands of pictures I’ve posted of them

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You’ve seen all the heart felt posts about them

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Lately, there hasn’t been much of that. I stopped seeing the beautiful gifts that God has given me and started to see them as burdens that exhaust me

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“I have to get them to bed, finish praying, stop saying all the I Love You’s, so I can go downstairs and clean the kitchen, get stuff ready for tomorrow so I can be prepared to take them to school, be a good mom to them, blah blah blah”

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But am I being a good mom? Am I being a good mom by constantly thinking of the next thing I HAVE to do, in order to be their mom?

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I’ve realized recently that I have been doing this. That I’m constantly exhausted and feel the heaviness of the “burden” of having kids and wondering when the heaviness will release. When will I get out from the rock? Or whatever is on top of me, weighing me down?

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A good friend reminded me that motherhood is not supposed to be easy. We are called to die to ourselves every day and this is the assignment for now. This is just how this season is. Yes, it is tiresome and exhausting, but it’s not going to stop being this way for awhile. Expect it. Stop expecting it to be easy when this job was never meant to be easy

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The more I have expected it to be easy, the more exhausted and frustrated I become at my kids and at the fact that I’m working full time and can’t take care of them the way I WANT to.

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Jesus knew I’d be working full time. He knew I’d have four kids right now, that we’d live in a teeny tiny house with no central heat and a water heater that goes out after half a shower.

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I have to stop trying to get somewhere I’m not supposed to be yet. It’s not time for me to be well known on social media, and that time may never come. It’s not time for me to be able to stay home with my kids, and God has a reason for that that I may never know.

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This is not a season of rest. And no matter how much I love snuggling into my bed and writing long blog posts and dreaming of working from home so I can raise my kids at the same time, that’s not my assignment. I’m called to fold laundry instead of laying in bed, I’m called to do the dishes when I come home instead of brainstorming, I’m called to read to these girls instead of turning on the TV.

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Tough pill to swallow. The medicine might taste bad, but in the end, I’ll be thankful for it.

We moved to Knoxville, TN

As an update, we didn’t sell our house.

Instead, by the grace of God, we were able to rent our house out for the full price of our mortgage, actually a small amount more than our mortgage. Which is honestly, just a miracle and affirmation that the Lord wanted something more for us somewhere else.

That somewhere else, seemed to be Knoxville, TN!

Financially, the last few months have been extremely hard on us. We’ve moved in and out of my mother in law’s house, as well as my parents’ house. Moved across the country in 5 days and moved into a 100 year old house in South Knoxville.

Knoxville is extremely foreign to us. We literally know nothing about it. Other than that my husband was accepted as a student to University of Tennessee. Unfortunately, it is looking like he may not even be able to go to school this year, again, because we need him to work full-time, but we’re praying that doesn’t happen. There have also been certain things with the VA that are preventing him from officially registering for school because we moved and haven’t received a specific letter. For some reason, the VA thinks it’s 1980 and has to mail everything. It’s only 2019, it’s fine. We’ll wait 3 months for a letter after it’s too late. But whatever.

Knoxville is different. We’re CA people, born and raised. So this whole bug and tree thing is extremely hard to get used to lol. Being that it is only day 5 here, I hope it will get easier.

Every day holds its new challenges and new surprises. Surprises meaning that we keep finding new insects in our house which I am traumatized by. Luckily, my husband kills them whenever I scream for him to come look at something new, bless his heart (see I’m turning southern already).

We have discovered Silver Fish, which I thought was a spider/lizard and it was so so gross while I was washing dishes. The next was a House Centipede, which has probably scarred me for life. Made me want to crawl in a ball and cry and burn this house to the ground where it probably should be, to be honest.

Currently there is a fist-sized hole in our kitchen directly above our kitchen sink and I suspect that is where most of the critters are coming in through. Our ceiling is starting to warp from that leak since we live in TN and it rains constantly…mold is most definitely in our future, or is already among us.

I’m ready to just go get some duct tape and slap it up on there. Just kidding, Jose will do that for me.

In all honesty though, we know God has a plan for us out here. But right now, we are very confused on that plan and why it brought us to Knoxville. We’re broke, still trying to find solid jobs that can accommodate our budget which is all necessities, no desires/wants and we know no-one out here. Still need to find a home church, hopefully be able to be apart of a Crossfit gym community and find some friends! Our spirits are down but we are trying to keep our faith in God that we are here for some crazy reason and even though it doesn’t look how we imagined this adventure looking, I know that God has big things planned for us and is stretching, molding and sculpting us into what he wants us to be.

Until next time, you can let me know all the other disgusting infected we’ll come in contact with.

I will also write a post on how we stayed on budget with four kids and two cars, on a 5 day road trip.